Its 2.17am
Insomnia seems to be a common thing to me now
Its been 2 weeks since dat dreadful day 30.06.2015
Yet i see no changes no regret nothing
Such an irony that people think we are the sweetest couple
But seriously the reason we hang on is just the fear of being lonely.
I do love him.
But i hate the role i play
Im like the fucked up controlling emotionally sensitive bitch now
Skype is like a responsibility to him
Skype is not because of he misses me and wanted to see me
But much rather " let her see me so that she doesnt say i did not spend time with her"
I hated every moment of it.
Every phone call at night is now  too a responsibility to him.
"I shall call her so that she doesnt get mad at me" not because i wanted to hear her voice before i sleep.

That dreadful anniversary
How can i ever get over it
He just assume things are fine
Not even a single wish
Not even smtg special.
4 years of relationship
Meant nothing to him i guess
Guess its ok to forget the fact that you did hurt me
And this time i dont knw how am i going to get pass it.

Im lonelier than ever
More depressed than ever

And you just kept quiet
And off to venice you go.


How i wish i never met you
Yes i so think about it

Everyday.

醒来时 第一件事
就是 想起你
第一时间
拿起手机
对你说句
早安。

睡觉前
只对你说句
晚安。

听说
这些是 远距离的 一种甜蜜。
但一个人甜蜜
有点 可笑
有点 孤单

share the most exciting part of your day to each other.
cant even rmb when this ever happened?

how about you?
the first thing u wake up in the morning is nt to say good morning to me. nope. if it happens its once in a blue moon.
sometimes hours after only you come and find me.
or sometimes i had to come and ask you wake dy?
since i lost the permission to voluntarily wake you. all day long i'll be like a crazy stalker
looking at my phone
waiting for your first text.

every night before you go to sleep.
is when i wake up.
sometimes i purposely woke up early to text u good morning.
but heck the next thing u text back is .. goodnight im off to sleep.
==
i tried to opened up the conversation
but sometimes it got cut off just like that.
no doubt this LDR isnt working anymore,
but you seemed to not care

you always ask me Are you OK?
obviously you know i am not.
Yet these kind of little little things
that seemed soooooo unimportant to you
how could i ever say it out?
i can virtually hear myself telling you all these things
and i sounded like a demanding little princess.
I am not like that
so yeah the only way is to write it here.
and of cuz you wil never read it.
you are a clueless one.



听说
这些是 远距离的 一种甜蜜。
但一个人甜蜜
有点 可笑
有点 孤单

真的不敢有任何期待
因为没次一旦又再有期待
终究 会落空

当然 我 又丑又胖
有男朋友
已经· 是奇迹

不敢想象如果你知道我现在的重量
你会 有什么反应

真的 应该惜福
不要抱怨那么多
只能 在这里说出
心里的话。

不该 为这些 心里过不去
因为 我根本没有资格

*加油

So we're still together after 2 major fights. Things had long changed since then.

I became afraid of advicing you or even do a little bit of nagging. You used to find it sweet. But now my nagging is just annoying and makes you frustrated.

My voice and my presence used to be soothing and calming to you. But i guess that is not the case anymore.

Skype session and calling sessions you made it clear that it is unnecessary to do it everyday. You said you hate the routine we are having. These words are kind of hurtful. To me these sessions are smtg i look forward to everyday cuz its the only connection we have left.
Now with that gone.. what else is there to hold on to.
I wonder if you noticed i never ask for skype sessions or even viber you anymore. Cuz i dont want to be dat annoying girlfriend who forcr you to do things you dont like. I hope my decision is wise.

Then April is coming soon. .
I pretty much regretted on purchasing the tickets or even planning to go there.
I realise i caused such a huge burden on you on my parents and even i am a burden to myself. Alot of things had to be compromised for this trip and that really is not how i imagined it to be in the first place. Plus you dont look as excited .. i guess i shouldn't have gone.

Im losing the excitement and anticipation already.. which is really sad.

Why are we like this again?
I want to feel loved again.
That special feeling ..
I dont feel it anymore..
I dont think relationship are supposed to be like this..
I just feel sad all the time..
I dont really know how to describe this..
But it might turn out that this trip
Its gonna be a decisive one..
Its either a yes or a no.

That so far is something i am sure of.

走到了这里我也不想再挽回什么
你可以装作没事发生
但我 真的做不到

感觉已经不在
两方 也不再 试着挽回
问题 出在哪里
何时变到 这样
我也不知道

我之前说的
每一句
都很认真

你却 把他不当一回事
我不是 一时情绪化 才说出那一番话

一拖再拖
我每天 的心
好难受
今天是纪念日
大家都忘记

你说对不起
但 一句我爱你
已经好久 没说了

一句也没有

失望一叠一叠
我已不想再期望什么

不想再跟你提
时机对了

我就会消失

happy belated anniversary.

if u still cared.

my last post to you
my last memory of us.

有些傷痕像場大火 把心燒焦難以復活

不碰了好像忘了 恐懼卻在腦海住著

重複卡在一個 重要的時刻 不自覺就會退縮

連幸福也克制著 覺得什麼都會變的

防備著平靜到最後 連愛也透著冷漠(獨自寂寞)



all the memories

the sweet and the bitter

am i strong enough to let it go ?

once and for all?

i guess either of us does not want to try anymore

at least not this time

since there is never any solution

i should just let you go

no matter how painful it is

i guess it is time

before it gets any worse

heart is in pieces

and you are still hammering it down one by one

instead of fixing it

a relationship that doesnt heal

and you being so far away



a solution would do

but i guess we are out of one


should we just face the truth

that there is no future here

and move on


 tell me what to do

instead of letting me making all the decisions

You are my kenangan terindah.

But it is time to let go?

Great love brings fear
Fear of letting go.

Is there no way to fix this?

Or we are both tired of trying...

Used to be so blinded by Love

But now

Im slowly gaining back my sight

Little by Little

Bit by bit

It is still a long way to go

But the first step starts here and now

2015- To a better me!